We All React To Feeling Invisible

Most of the time I feel invisible.

This is mostly because of my three most salient social identities: Indian-American, Man, and Father.

Being Indian in America is like being in purgatory. On the one hand, most people assume I am a physician or in IT and I rarely feel racially profiled by the police, the courts, or other tentacles of the state. Most of the time, in most places, I don’t feel predisposed to racial slurs or ethnic violence. It’s not, hard, per se.

On the other hand, I’ve been told so many times “thanks for herding the cats” instead of “thank you for your leadership.” So many times, people have assumed my parents are stupid because of their accent or seem surprised that I like country music and hip-hop or that I married a white woman.

So many times, people at work have made me work harder and prove more than any of my counterparts for the same opportunities. And, there is no recognized constituency, politically speaking, for Indian-Americans because we’re a small percentage of the population and we’re disproportionally wealthy - I don’t get the sense that anybody feels like we need support. Being Indian is not, easy, per se, either.

I also feel like an outcast among men, because I never feel like I relate to “men.” My interests are different and would probably be considered feminine if anyone was keeping track. I’ve never been able to build muscle mass lifting weights and I don’t like violence, aggression, sarcasm, or sexual humor. I don’t want to play fantasy football or golf, nor do I want to.

I am also a father. And these days its en vouge to make hapless fathers into the butt of jokes. And, in the workplace fathers get no sympathy and have no champions because a lot of time, it seems, than men aren’t allowed to be championed - even dads trying to figure it out.

Yes, I feel invisible. But the truth is, I honestly believe that everyone feels invisible or treated unfairly - even white men - at least sometimes. And I think that’s true - I don’t think anyone is ever treated as fairly as they should be - even white men. We live in a country with low levels of trust so I think we should expect that everyone feels some degree of invisibility, too.

So in truth, we all have a choice to make - how will we react to our perceived invisibility?

There are four options.

I have thought about assimilating. For me, that usually means acting more like a white male, but for others assimilation might mean something different obviously. It’s just easier to be like everyone else. With assimilation it’s a tradeoff between invisibility and authenticity.

I have thought about just letting myself fade away and become more invisible. Not having a public life. Avoiding conflict. Just going through the motions, keeping to myself, and just riding out my days with close friends and family. Even if I’m invisible to the rest of the world, maybe there are a few dozen people who will see me for who I am. But, then, I will have lived an apathetic life. By letting myself become invisible, I would have to resign myself to not making the world a better place - because who can improve the culture we swim in if they don’t engage with it? With fading away, it’s a tradeoff between invisibility and contribution.

I have thought about aligning with a tribe. Maybe I lean more into attending the University of Michigan, a famous college. Maybe I do more “Indian Stuff” or join more “Indian people groups.” Or maybe, I just get more into professional sports and wear logo’d baseball caps more often.

But “aligning with a tribe” is basically a socially acceptable way of saying, “I’m going to join a gang.” The group identify of a “tribe” offers protection, just like a gang - it’s just social protection rather than physical. And the problem with being part of a gang iis that you usually have to be an enemy of a rival gang and prove loyalty to the group…somehow. With tribes, it’s a trade offs between invisibility and conflict.

Again, at some level, I think this is a choice we all face. How will we react to our perceived invisibility? Will we assimilate, fade away, or align with a tribe?

I can’t bring myself to do any of these things. I just can’t.

I’ve assimilated enough, already. I want to contribute rather than fade into the background. I don’t want to become less invisible at the cost of being an enemy of someone else. And so the implied fourth choice is “none of the above.” It is a long hard walk - that leaves me feeling, angry, overwhelmed, and lonely.

How will we react to our perceived invisibility? It’s choices like these that reveal true character and demonstrate its importance. There are few choices, too, I think, that are more difficult and more consequential.