Being married is not the same as dating. It is not even the same as being engaged. The difference is the vows, and what a difference those make.

Robyn and I made the vows traditional for Catholic and Hindu marriage. I like them. They’re simple, bold, and no nonsense. Marriage vows are no joke and they shouldn’t be. That’s why, I might add, I find marriage to be so great. It implies something specific, difficult, and extraordinary.

I was recently talking with Christopher, my brother-in-law, about the difference between being married and being engaged. When I asked him what he thought, he had a beautiful thought, which I’ll try to replicate.

The difference between marriage and engagement, is that there is no emergency exit. It’s on you and your spouse to take care of that marriage and grow that marriage. It’s not something you lease and can take back to the dealership when you have problems, it’s something you build together with your spouse, and have to maintain together. And you promise do it forever, however long forever is.

His real wisdom, however, was in reflecting on how the mindset of a married person must be different than an engaged person. The married person must have a vision. He or she, must be planning and thinking ahead, together with their spouse, on how to build that marriage together. The married person must be proactive and solve problems that arise quickly. Because at the end of the day, there is no out - you must grow together and adjust to life, together, in perpetuity.

And that’s what I found to be the key to his wisdom: timescales. The engaged person thinks on the timescale of getting married - there is a concrete end date with a concrete goal: getting married on your wedding day.

The married person must think on an indefinite time scale and must simultaneously build a unique vision of marriage together with their spouse. And, unlike an engagement / wedding plan there is no checklist to follow. Every couple has no choice but to write their own, one-of-a-kind, handbook.

Marriage is fundamentally different. And it’s much, much harder.