Only after many months and years could I arrive here, finally. After so much time with so much pain, I am grateful to my father for teaching me, even after death.  

I realize now that his going ahead was one of those showstopper kind of things, like a power outage, the pulling of a fire alarm, or a flat tire. It was a no-choice-full-stop. After he died, I shut down and reconsidered everything about how I live. I couldn’t help it.

His death taught me, in the most belligerent way possible, that I cared way to much about my job. He saved me years - maybe decades - of being addicted to work and status.

After three years of suffering and grief, I see his death was, in at least a small way, a gift. And I am grateful.